How Revy Saved Christmas
by Heroic Alliance
Summary: A radical holiday tale about how Revy saved Christmas.
1. Bah Humbug

Hello, I will be doing something different this time around, I will be branching out into other animes. I had the idea of a Black Lagoon Christmas special in my dream, so with that being said on with the show!

Lagoon Company HQ, December 22, 1994

Dutch, Rock, and Benny were setting up the Christmas decorations, while Revy was sitting on a chair, not giving a shit as usual.

"Two-Hands?" Dutch asked. "You going to help us?"

"Why would I help you with some dumbass holiday?" Revy replied.

"Christmas is the season of giving!" Rock added.

"I don't give a rat's ass, I take what I want!" Revy replied.

"What about the songs?" Dutch replied.

"The songs bore me, I get more of a jam to metal!" Revy replied.

"And Santa?" Benny asked.

"Fuck Santa, he can die in a fireplace for all I care." Revy said, as there was a clatter, as a time machine appeared, as an elderly Dutch arrived into the present.

"TAKE BACK WHAT YOU SAID!" The old man Dutch said, punching Revy and holding her to the ground.

"I am Dutch from the future, and in my future, On Christmas Eve, Satan Claws is coming to town, and he will put all of existence on the naughty list!"

"What do you want me to do?" Revy asked.

"I will take you into the future, and we will find a way to stop Satan Claws!"

TO BE CONTINUED….


	2. You'll Shoot Your Eye Out, Kid

Old Roanapur City, Dec. 22, 1954

"What the hell is this place?" Revy asked.

"The Holiday Spirit does not exist here, as this is Satan's nightmare world." "Guns are prohibited here, so we must have to improvise." "Also, try not to swear in Santa's presence, he will not like it." Old Dutch said.

Revy and the old man went to the mall, and they waved through the crowds, and had arrived at a toy store that had a Daisy BB gun for sale.

"I will lend you some money, Buy the Daisy BB gun, but be careful, because you could shoot your eye out!" Old Dutch said, lending Revy 20 dollars. "Buy it, don't steal it, because stealing could get you on the naughty list, and you don't want that, do you!"

Revy bought the BB gun and they left the mall, but a black and red sleigh hovered over them, as Revy shot at the sleigh, but her weapon was useless.

"Hello there!" a voice said, as it was clearly Santa Claus.

"Who the…." Revy said, as Dutch cut her off.

"Don't swear in front of Santa!" Dutch snapped.

"Miss, I need you to bring back the holiday cheer!" Santa said.

"What will you have me do?" Revy asked.

"Ring the bells in the park, and play them in a precise code." Santa said, as Revy went to the park to play the bells, as she played them to the tune of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas". Some of the Holiday cheer had returned.

"Very good!" Santa said. "Next, I want you to find the film reel for "It's A Wonderful Life" and insert it into the projector in the drive-in movie theater, so people will remember what they loved about Christmas."

Revy, Dutch, and Santa got in a red 1935 Cadillac V16 and drove around, as they found the reel laying in a garbage can, and picked it up, and delivered it to the drive in, as Revy put the film reel in the projector.

The time machine had appeared, as the three got in, as they went back to the present.

Lagoon Company HQ, 1994

Revy had gone back to the present, as she was apparently standing under the mistletoe, although unaware of it, Rock went to kiss her.

"Oh wow, Revy is under the mistletoe!" Rock said, as he went to kiss Revy, as she kicked Rock in the nuts.

"Do that again, and I will give you a tombstone for Christmas!" Revy snapped. The clouds in the sky were black and the sky was red, as Satan Claus had come to town too soon.

"Uh…guys, I think we have got company." Old Dutch said.

TO BE CONTINUED….


	3. Beep You Claus

Roanapur City, December 22, 1994

The skies were black and red as evil gingerbread men and dark elves fell from sleighs as Revy, Dutch, Rock, and Santa were ready to kick some ass.

"Let's show them how the cookie crumbles!" Revy said, as she pulled out her pistols and fired at the cookie men and dark elves.

"Satan Claus feeds on negative energy, you have to beat him with kindness!" Santa said.

"What should I do about it?" Revy asked.

"Here is a flamethrower, some edgy kid wanted this, but I didn't give it to him because he was on the naughty list, so use it to light the menorah and the kinara in town." Santa said, handing Revy a flamethrower from his bag.

Revy went to the kinara, activated her flamethrower, and lit the seven candles of the kinara.

"Joyous Kwanzaa, everyone!" Revy shouted, as she went to the menorah.

Revy had igniter her flamethrower and it the menorah.

"HAPPY HANUKAH BITCHES!" Revy shouted again. "Dreidel Dreidel-diddly-doo!"

Some dark elves were attacking Revy, as she ran to the park and found a pole.

"What's this rod doing here?" Revy asked. "Why would some asshole stick a rod in the middle of nowhere?"

"It's a Festivus Pole." Santa replied.

"Perform a feat of strength!" Old Dutch added, as Revy took the pole, and knocked down a tree with it, whacking the pole against the tree trunk.

"Now comes the airing of grievances." Santa said.

"Well I got a grievance right here!" Revy said. "How come Rock gets to be the main character of the series even though I am on all the promotional material, so I should be the main character!"

"Oh yea, well you need a better diet, I mean you are always smoking, drinking, and making an ass out of yourself." Rock said. "Eat a damn salad!"

"Dutch, you got anything to say?" Rock asked.

"I'm good." Dutch replied.

"Now you must each deliver the presents to people." Santa said. "Revy, take my sleigh, you will be my Junior Santa."

Revy took the sleigh as she was bombing the nice with presents and the naughty with coal.

"WAKE THE FUCK UP AND GET YOUR PRESENTS!" Revy screamed.

"No, no, they have to be asleep, otherwise the illusion would be ruined!" Santa replied.

Revy delivered coal to more of the naughty in the city.

"Old King Coal was a merry old soul and a merry old soul was he!" "He called for his pipe and he called for his bowl and he said that you've been naughty!" Revy sang.

"I should sing that when I am delivering coal myself." Santa replied.

Satan Claus appeared near the Christmas Tree, as Revy fired presents at Satan Claus, as he was getting weaker and weaker, as the kindness of the holiday spirit was weakening him.

"FUCK YOU CLAUS!" Revy screamed, as she Falcon-Punched Satan Claus, and he shattered into stone fragments.

"You can't just murder your way onto the nice list." Santa told Revy.

"Yea, I know." Revy replied. "But, one good deed can lead to much more and I am just getting started!"

EPILOUGE

The Black Lagoon Co. were playing in the snow, making snow angels, as Garcia walked to see them.

"What day is it?" he asked.

"It's Christmas!" Revy replied, as she handed Garcia a pump action shotgun.

"Use this to find and shoot the biggest turkey you see, and deliver it to Balalaika, as she will be cooking the turkey, so we can have our feast." Revy instructed.

Revy's heart had grown three sizes shortly afterwards, as she was filled with Christmas cheer.

Revy had carved the turkey as the Black Lagoon company along with Hotel Moscow gathered for the Christmas feast, as everyone started eating and having fun together. All's well had ended well.

 _Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Festivus, and a Happy New Year._

 _Happy Holidays to everyone._


End file.
